Them’s The Breaks When You Shop At Walmart!

Them’s The Breaks When You Shop At Walmart!

Walmart Logo

So as I mentioned in an earlier post I’m going on this Brandcation #SeastheDay Royal Caribbean Cruise so I need a bathing suit. I hate swimsuit shopping because let’s face it, I’m short and fat. It’s really hard for me to find something that fits. I usually like to wear what is called a “Shortini” which means a tankini top and spandex shorts underneath. Apparently this style has somewhat gone out of style so I’ve been searching for an alternative. My search has lead me to a place I never expected, Walmart.

I’d Go Up Against An Alligator, I’m Not Afraid Of You!

Although I wanted to purchase the suit online due to more print choices I wanted to try it on for size. So out of the house I ventured to my local Walmart. Once I get there I drive around and around looking for a parking spot. Oh wait, I forgot to tell you, this is the Walmart where the alligator took up shop at the entrance, remember that story? But I digress, okay so I’m driving around and finally I see a spot. But then the woman getting into her car next to the spot sees me waiting there and pushes her cart right into the middle of that spot. So now I can’t pull in. So what does “sassy” Lee do next?

Sassy Lee sits behind the ladies car so she can’t back out. That’s what Sassy Lee does. Yep I sat there for a good 3 minutes while she tried backing out. She would honk at me and I’d honk back twice as loud. I was not going to budge until she moved that damn cart! I was making “move the cart” charades and I know she could see me. But she wasn’t going to budge either. Moments later about 10 cars were honking for me to move. Luckily for them an even closer spot opened up ahead and I took that one, but I wouldn’t have budged otherwise. When I relayed this story to Jackie she said she would have parked behind the lady, gotten out of the car and moved the cart behind her car then pulled into the parking spot. This was genius and I wish I’d thought of it.

Keep Your Panties On

So I walk into the store and find the bathing suit section and the suit I’m looking for fairly quickly. I grab two sizes and some board shorts and walk towards the fitting rooms. Now usually I never try on anything in a store, I bring it home and try it on and return whatever I don’t want. But I just had a pretty expensive “try on at home” trip to Target so this was my better bet if I didn’t want to hear Tim screaming. So where was I, oh yes, I was walking into the fitting room. The attendant is this sweet old lady, like at least 70, and she asks me how many items  have and I tell her 5. But she looks at me likes she doesn’t believe me so I show her again, 5. She realizes that I have swim suits and she leans in and says in this super Grandmotherly way “Now, don’t forget to keep your panties on”. Classic.

As I walk into the dressing room wondering who would possibly not wear underwear when trying on a Walmart swimsuit I begin undressing. I put on the first bathing suit and it’s a bit too tight so I move on to the next. The second swimsuit in the bigger size fits better and I do the little turn around, make sure everything is tucked into place and not hanging out. I’m pleased so I begin to peel it off. Suddenly I’m in unimaginable pain. The hygiene sticker from the crotch of the suit has become stuck to my bikini line.

This Won’t Hurt A Bit

Now ladies, I might live in Florida, but it’s still winter time so not a ton of landscaping has been done in the down low. Keeping in mind I’m wearing “my panties” I still have a strong piece of tape attached to my body. I can barely move, the pain is white out already. All I’m thinking is “Owww Kelly Clarkson“. So my mind is going in circles figuring out how to get itself out of this situation. I mean do I leave it and just go home and hope for the best with a pair of scissors? That sounds painful. No way was I asking Grandma for help. Finally I did what any person with a piece of duct tape stuck to their crotch would have to do and I ripped it off.

Ho-Lee-Shit. Yep, that hair is going to be scared to grow back. It was worse than the Brazilian wax I once had done. Maybe because I was in a precarious position and oh yeah, hadn’t taken two ibuprofen. I was told if you are highly ticklish waxes won’t hurt as much because your body can’t tell the difference between pleasure and pain and it actually did work for me the time before. Well apparently my body did not think this was funny because it hurt. There was quite a bit of hair on this thing when all was said and done so I just balled it up and put it in my purse. Now when I clean my purse out in a few weeks I’ll get PTSD.

Bathing Suit

I could not get out of that store fast enough, it was as if my ass were on fire. No pun intended. The entire ordeal makes me never want to shop at Walmart and it isn’t really their fault. But PTSD like I said, it’s a scary thing. Oh and here is a picture of the culprit suit above. Now I must be going. My shower is calling, I need to do the other side so I won’t look unbalanced.

Lee Allport


  1. 1
    Daphne Turner says:


  2. 2

    I was laughing so hard at this! I personally will only shop at from my parking lot experience. The BSC lady, with her kids in the car, chased me for miles for accidentally cutting her off while leaving the parking lot and sticking my tongue out at her AFTER she flipped me off.

  3. 3
    Jennifer Pellicone says:

    You gave me a great chuckle!
    P.S. The suit is really cute. Did you buy it?

  4. 4

    I’m sorry, I can’t stop laughing. I may still be laughing about this tomorrow too.

  5. 5

    OMGosh! This happened to me once. I thought I was going to pass out. Remember the stickers they used to put on suits? They were made out of that fabric tape stuff? When the heck did they switch to sticky as heck tape????

  6. 6

    LMAO. Only you Lee, I swear!

  7. 7

    Oh my gosh! This is hilarious. I hate to laugh at your pain, but…..yeah. I ‘m laughing. A lot. I don’t understand why they are using super sticky tape on those things. Ouch.

    Did you buy the bathing suit? It is super cute!

    I do love Jackie’s shopping cart idea. It was brilliant.

  8. 8

    Bwahahaha! That exact thing has happened to me before. I might as well call my choach “Chewbacca” because it’s always so hairy. Rest assured, I will be getting a Brazilian before the cruise. I used to do it all the time but like, what’s the point anymore?

  9. 9

    I have tears. Tears.

  10. 10

    OMG LEE! Only you girl, only you! lol

  11. 11
    Jennifer @ My Sweet Sanity says:

    OMG girl I am dying over here after reading this! So now to my specific comments about this post.
    1) I totally would have parked the car, got out and moved the car not to the back of her car but right up against her car door. IF she tried to back out she’d have screwed up her mirror and if she tried to open her door she’d have scratched it.
    2) As for your Walmart induced bikini wax all I can say is that the Walmarts by me have waxing places inside. I would have stopped by and asked if they could finish it off on the other side at half off.
    3) Can’t wait to meet you on the cruise!

  12. 12

    You’re a mess and that is why I love you! Unfortunately, I do not seem to have a sassy side, so I would have either gotten out and moved the cart myself, or I would have found another spot. I admire that you didn’t let her get away with it though. Luckily, I landscape all year long so this wouldn’t be an issue, but it’s a great cautionary tale lol.

  13. 13

    ROFL Oh Lee, you crack me up!! Now I am afraid to try on a new bathing suit!

  14. 14

    Holy crap, Im dying here.

  15. 15

    Owch!! That sounds like quite an adventure, but on the bright side, at least you didn’t get eaten by the alligator.

  16. 18

    Very funny. Why is it that you have such issues in parking lots? You should try to avoid them from here on out. LOL

  17. 19

    OMG, how funny! I am sorry to laugh at your pain, but I can just imagine you standing in there trying to get the courage to just rip it off!

  18. 20

    Ladies I am so grateful for all your comments. Seriously this stuff you can’t even make up. This is my life. I wish I were famous so I could tell my stories on talk shows like Jimmy Fallon.

  19. 21

    Ha ha!! Classic, you had me laughing the whole time!
    I hope you like your suit.

  20. 22

    So it’s official! You are crazy woman! Lol, this was hilarious!

    Oh, and those swimsuits you mentioned are NOT out of style! I get my short bottoms from Target every year. I love those things!

    Hugs to your bikini area :)

  21. 24

    I’m not sure which was funniest:
    1. You not moving
    2. Jackie’s solution
    3. Ho-LEE-shit!

    Thanks for the laughs. Hope your butt starts feeling better LOL!

  22. 25

    That was so funny! But seriously the parking lot lady was nuts but you never know if she’s a psycho who has a gun or something. Be careful!

  23. 26

    This post is a classic! Thanks for giving me a few chuckles. 😀

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